Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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1:41 pm
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So much changes so fast. Me and derek will no longer be friends..same with jon and possibly mitchell. As much as I want to be friends with derek and mitchell i dont think i should. They dont treat me right. As many memmories I have it doesnt make up for it. Its sad but I really cant go on in life involved with them. Expecially derek. I wish he could see that I was the true friend to him through it all. I was the one around when it was shit. I was the one who stuck by him through the shit he did to me and the shit that happened to him. I was there since the beginning. No one else. But hes blind. Blinded by jon and his jealousy. Jon works in strange ways. Hes quite cleaver actually. What he does, no one can see that hes doing it. And even if they do they dont do anything about it because they are scared. But not me...Im different than them. Atleast now I am. I will no longer sit around and be walked all over on. I have nothing else to say. Im getting occupied with other things. My live journal concentration has been shut off.
current mood:  tired
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Friday, March 25th, 2005
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4:40 pm
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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9:41 pm - i feel sick
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Today was my first day of work. It went really well. There were times i felt stupid but i came through alright. Its tiring. Im really tired now. I work tomarrow too. I keep getting goosebumps. Its weird. I have done some stupid things these past few days. I regret them all. I may have ruined a friendship. I really hope i havent though. If you read this..Im an idiot. I am. You are a great person. I should have never said the things i said. I apologize. You might think Im a lier. Or that im just plain full of shit. You might thinks many things about me. I cant change your thoughts on me. And I should of never said you needed to be soemthing else. In what ever way I said that. Because I love you for who you are. what ever that may be. You are a great person. And I, I am a horrible person to do what I did. Ive never done soemthing like this to anyone before. And you, you should of nver gone through that. You should have been the last person I would have ever done this to. Just know that i do care. And Ive realized. Are lives, are two seperate lives(of course) but hopefully you know what Im saying. I wanted to be around more. I am willing to try. Are thoughts on things are very different. But then again, you probably wont ever read this. You were the reason i made this damn thing. A long time ago. I tried calling you but u clicked end...maybe u didnt but im almost possitive thats what happens when it says your on the other line. So. theres nothing else for me to do. Im sorry
edit: i called mitchell on my smoke break. I apologized. Why do I feel like thats not enough..Ive been a total ass. I would understand if you didnt forgive me. I wouldnt forgive myself either. I work tomarrow. from 5-9. mitchell might come and see me. I know your taking space from me. So this is my last time i will tell you what I think until you contact me. Maybe I have changed. Im not a happy person. And really, i hate bringing it up, but i think its because of derek. I dont know. i dont want to get into that. So ive wrote this to some what explain. To apologize. I dont think this will make much of a difference. But atleast I tried. Im a fool. Im sorry. goodnight
current mood:  depressed
current music: atlanis
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2:35 pm
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Ive done some stupid things before. but this is by far the worst. im sorry
current mood: depressed
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Monday, January 24th, 2005
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6:07 pm - work
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I got off work 6 hours earlier than expected. If i havent mentioned..I work every monday and tuesday..atleast as of today i do. I work from 3 till about 1230 ish. I babysit for this woman. She has one daughter and her name is ivy. Her roommate got off of work earlier than expected. They payed me $20! for 3 hours! thats amazing... Life is good. I wish a few things wernt fading away but Ive learned there nothing i can do about it..and by getting upset about it im only hurting myself. I cant stop my life because of other things. I cant blame other people for things. I will not make a scene. I dont make any sense. I just got off the phone with stephanie. Things seem to be alright between us. Nothing is wrong. I just dont think i dont know..What I thought about obligation was true. It hasent been said to me which it never will of course. But If i was in the position i would do the same. I was a mental case. I dont have a problem anymore. I havent solved the questioned i was asking myself but then again who can answet those questions? you can olnly hope your life goes in a good direction. I could care less if no one calls me anymore. I mean..It would bother me..but i dont know. Ive been talking to a lot of people at school lately. Im still a little uncomfortable around some people..im a little shy at school with a lot of people. But eventually i think thatll change. I mailed dereks christmas gift today! how exciting.I dont have much to say..Im still my depressed self but a little denial and im trying to fight it. wish me luck
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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
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11:16 am - save a prayer
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Usually I write in this when I have something big to bitch about or just my plain ol depression. But now, now im writing in it to waste some time. Alex and rachel are coming to get me soon. Were going to the indoor swap meet. I really dont want to go anywhere but i figured I should. I look good today anyways..lol.My family left me. No one is here. Its a weird feeling knowing my sister is in switzerland. I could really use a cigarette right now. But I barely have any money for the swap meet so i wont have any for cigarettes. Its alright. Ill be alright. Things are still weird. I feel a lot better now that my moms back. Ive felt so empty with out her..as pathetic as it sounds. I just didnt feel normal. My body was just dull. But now i feel more up beat i guess you could say. I bought a book last night. Its called Spectacular Happiness. Im about 40 something pages into it. Its interesting. Its about this guy that blows things up and just stuff like that. Its strange. I bought it for $2! can u believe that! When im done reading this one Im going to buy more books by this author. Ive been missing derek. There here .bye
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Friday, January 21st, 2005
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5:52 am - weird
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I woke up an hour before I usually get up. I dont know what made me get up. I didnt turn my alarm off. Usually, how it works is my alarm will go off and ill get right up and go into the shower. I dont remember getting up. That is so weird. So then i heard my alarm go off and im like what the fuck its 5 40. i woke up at like 5 ..5 15. I have my photography and science final today. I didnt really study for any of them. I did a little bit for photography. Ill just look at it right before the test then ill remember. I cant remember things for long periods of time. Last night was another depressing night, i dont even know how to explain. I hung out with stephanie for a little bit and helped her study..but i dont think ill see her for the rest of the weekend. Thats why she hung out with me last night. Kind of like an obligation. Or its all in my head. I could care less though. My mother comes back to town tonight. Ive missed her. I cant wait to see the pictures of my family. I really miss my family. Even though Ive never been around them for a long time I miss them. There my real family. I need to be around them more. I dont know. I hate saying goodbye. Ive been depressed a lot lately. Im confuzed with what I want out of life.. I dont know. I stole my sisters clothes. Im going for the comfortable look today. Im wearing what do u call it...sweat pants. but not the swishy kind the cotton. I have a pair but i wanted to wear a different kind. Its from old navy. And this dark blue tshirt from tommys. And my roxy sandals. Im kickin. lol. I should probably do my hair. Everyday is the same day, but ends differently. My life is dull.
current mood: depressed
current music: celine dion
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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10:13 pm - finals
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its already 10:00. I am behind. Yet I cant seem to get anything done. I went to the store at about 9 to get a poster board. My day didnt go the way I planned it.. I meant to start working on things at about 4. come straight home after school and sleep. Do the work and study at 4ish 5. go to bed at nine. Instead I didnt get home till 1..slept till 7. and blah blah blah. I really shouldnt be writing in here right now. But I feel so crappy. I need to start making more friends. I get depressed to easily. Im embarassed by the way i acted this past weekend. I havent had a chance to apoligize. I have a feeling this next weekend will be just as bad. Maybe I should start planning. I never plan. I wish I could sleep through the whole weekend. . I dont know, its late. Im tired. Im stressed. I never stress over this kind of crap. kill me.
current mood: thirsty
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Monday, January 17th, 2005
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9:30 pm
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Im back from brianhead and really sore. It was a good trip. I liked the people and everything up there. My brothers friends were suprisingly nice. We got there at about 12 30 and were up till about 2..I woke up at 8, got dressed, and left. I didnt wait for anyone else. I wasnt there to socialize. I was there to snowboard. I really like snowboarding. I also passed up pot last night. Im proud of myself. Im sick of getting fucked up, like ive said in the previous entries. I taught brooke how to snowboard. Thats why im sore. She lost control and her board went into my leg. It hurts really bad..I wont bitch about pain unless it really does hurt. Oh well. The condo was really nice. We had the entire bottom floor to ourselves. "Wookies" dad was up a floor i think. Me and brooke slept in this bunk bed room, daniel and brittany had the king bed. and the 2 other guys slept somewhere else i dont know i was asleep by the time they went to bed. The trip was good for me but yet it wasnt. I wish my friends were like these people. I mean there all my friends. But i dont hang out with them..you know. I wish my friends were able to go on trips like these, stress free. And snowboard. I wish my friends could have fun sober. I need to quite wishing. Because none of that will ever happen. My friends are who they are and they dont do anything different. Yes, i love them ..i just wish the way we did things were different. I have my pe final and french final tomarrow. Im scared. I tried to study. I couldnt concentrate. I couldnt even concentrate snowboarding.. OH well. I better go and try to study...bye
current mood: tired
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Saturday, January 15th, 2005
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6:59 pm - life
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life is pretty crappy. I cant count on anyone for anything. I wish I had someone who stood by me through all my shit. I do. but when I crack theres no on to be found. Im sick of the world. I wish I was happy. Tomarrow I will go to brian head. Ill be alone. Im not going with my parents. Im going with my brother and his friends. I have a free place to stay. I will wake up early and walk to the resort. Ill write once more before i leave unless i have another mental crisis.
current mood: depressed
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6:26 pm
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Nothing ever seems to go right for me. I really wish someone would take a gun to my head. Why is everything based on get fucked up? CANT ANYONE IN THIS FUCKING TOWN HAVE FUN WITH OUT ALCOHOL??? no. they cant. I am so sick of everyone always getting fucked up. Mostly im sick of myself getting fucked up all the time. GET A FUCKING LIFE. I was in a good mood for about 2 hours today. Thats because I actually talked to someone. Even though now, now I feel so fucking stupid. I just want to cry. Where is everyone...Im going to be alone again tomarrow. I hate it when phones die. Something is wrong with me. I shouldnt be like this.You act like your there. but when i reach the point no one is there. just fucking shoot me.
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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10:56 am
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Well, there gone. I wont see my sister for a while. I want to go there for spring break..and I might. I dont know. Its a weird feeling. I cant believe they left me here. With the males. Im pretty much on my own for the next 2 weeks. :( I wasnt even left any money. I have 10 dollars. I had 20 last night and I used 10 for a movie.And I wasnt even supposed to spend that money. I was supposed to buy photo paper with that. But I think I can make it for 2 weeks with out it. Now the question is what should I spend it on. Food supplies or pot. I could get 3 grams with my new dealer lol. I dont smoke that much so dont consider me a pot head. I smoked last night. Its all a blurr. My mom and sister said goodbye to me this morning at about 5. I was supposed to go to the airport with them but I decided it would be the best if they said by at home. It would have been harder there. I need food..Maybe I should buy cigarettes with my money..Im going to be all alone these next to weeks. They shouldve taken me..Im pissed off. :( Im going to go play delta force 2. Its a great game...bye
current mood: sleepy
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12:13 am
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I dont remember the last time i wrote in this. i think it was friday..no..yesterday was friday. I think it was thursday or wednesday. i dont know. Things are a little dull right now. My mom and sister leave at like 5 min the morning for switzerland. I wish I was them. Yesterday I bought a new computer. It works nice. Ive been playing delta force 2 since ive gotten the computer. Its this war game I bought for 10 dollars. Its pretty sweet. I went out tonight, wasnt planning on it. Me and mitchell and jon went to phontom of the opera. It was good but i dont really remember much of what happened, I was stoned. I was invited to go to a party but thats one thing I had a forsure answer. I was not going there. Im sick of this partying shit. I dont want to meet new people, I dont want to get wasted with people I dont know. I want to be with my friends and drink...or atleast be with my friends. Thats all Ive wanted. So im not going to be apart of that shit. Im going to start staying at home anyways lol. I scared about my mother. She upsets me sometimes. SHe was talking as if she was going to die. :( I hope these next 2 weeks go well. It can go one way or the other. As long as my dad stays out of the way than theres not problem. But he better now try and tell me what to do. He hasnt before and wont this time either. Blah anyways. Im really tired. I was going to stay up till 5 and go to the spart. But i think I might just go to bed and still go to the airport. I really dont want to go to the airport. Id prefer to say my goodbyes here. I dont want to cry. I wish they could just leave and leave me a note. err. Goodbye
current mood: tired
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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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9:04 pm - day six: failed
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On day six I failed. I smoked 2 cigarettes. I dont really want to get into it. Im very confuzed with what I want to do with that. I still want to smoke but something else is telling me no. Im very confused. I was alright today and then something came over me. Its weird going out. Im so different than everyone else. It hurts everytime Im with my friends. Because I know, someday, not to far away, we wont be together anymore. I need to start my life over. Im not the right kind of person to fill in the friendships. I wish I was but its just different..Im different.Actually I wish I was dead. I wish I found my purpose. Mitchell says I should read that damn book. I dont know about that. It seems so close but so far away. I dont know how to explain things right now. I havent hit the separation point. I still have a while, I dont know why Im fretting on it now. Maybe its because my surroundings are leaving before me. I wish I didnt have to leave, i dont have to but I need to. Its hard to explain. I miss lawrence believe it or not. Why hasent he called me..? Its not like he would not call me like one of those guys. Ive known him for 3 years. Maybe he doesnt have a phone, he has to have a phone. I know he has my number..lol i wrote it everywhere. Hes in wales if you didnt know. anyways. Im so confuzed I cant even explain. I dont even want to explain it to anyone. Ive been getting more independent lately. Not relying on support from anyone. If you want to talk to me fine call me if you dont call me fine i wont call you. If you dont want to hang out fine I dont want to hang out with you. Its your loss. Im useless I tell you. I cant help anyone anymore. Im not helpful anymore. Im going to bring it back. I will. i WILL be helpful to others again. give me time.
--Oh yeah. I didnt smoke because of my addiction, I saw no point in quitting. Smoking makes me happy...that and I was starting to get fat lol. see ya
current mood:  confused
current music: garth brooks
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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
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7:03 pm - day four :(
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Quitting isnt as hard as I thought, Its hard but a different type. Instead of major craving its a depression I cant control. I need to be more social. But i really dont want to. I dont want to quit but i know I need to. Everyone thinks graduating is so far away but in actuality its not. I have one year left with them all. well a year and a half. No one realizes how much its going to change. Itll never be the same. We will never be able to do what we do now. We will but with so many other things. I would stay for them. There all going to leave. Its going to be hard. I want to leave to, in which i can but im afraid. I plan to go to switzerland my senior year. Only because I cant be here. I wish I could have a typical senior year. The close-ness with my friends seems to be fading. I miss the summer, but then I dont. I miss parts of it but not the other parts. No one will realize what they had until its gone. I realize. I hate growing old. If i could be five again I would. If i go away to Switzerland I probably wont see anyone for a long time. I wonder if they would miss me. Not as much as I would miss them. For once, people mean more to me than I mean to them. I dont want my life to fade away. I know Ill be independent. But I wish I didnt have to be. The older we get the closer we get to death. What is the point of living? Im back on the same thoughts from a couple years ago. Maybe Im slipping back. We work and work to succeed..but why? Were just going to die. I dont know why i dwell on this. Dwelling gets me no where. I dont know where my life is heading.I want to leave and do things but i dont want to be alone. Im sorry Im all depressed. I blame the lack of cigarettes. And the lack of communication to society. I hate how things always change. Im afraid of the future. ... ..i dont know what else to say. Maybe I should delete this. :(
current mood: depressed
current music: Ipod
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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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2:11 pm - day 3
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day three: Im on the patch. Last night mitchell gave one to me. It makes everything easier. Its starting to hurt though. I want to takeit off but i dont want to be depressed again. If i wasnt on the patch id probably be really upset right now. My dad forgo to pick me up today, again. No more will I rely on him to pick me up. He never picks me up and when he is asked to he forgets. So oh well. So my sister picked me up. Im home now. Drinkng beer. Beer is what i will replace my cigarettes with. lol. but not abusively. Beer and ritz crackers are all i need. I didnt get much sleep last night. I was having weird dreams. Im going to go. Im doing good witht this patch by my side. Oh yeah its raining
current mood:  okay
current music: nirvana
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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
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7:50 pm
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I just looked at my journal for the 1st time in a long time. SOMEONE actually reads this and that someone is becca. thanks becca, atleast you care...
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7:38 pm - the beginning of quitting
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Its new years day..Last night i thought things went alright. I wish they happened differently though. I havent slept much. I went snowboarding today. Went to bed at 3 in the morning woke up at 7 and snowboarded all day. I can no longer have cigarettes. I feel like shit. I am very tired. I think those two combined are why Im so depressed. Besides the fact that my mother and sister leave a week from tomarrow. For switzerland. I want to go so bad. I dont even think they see it, no one does. I feel like crying. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont want to quite. But i need to. Usually I can go a day with out one. But its differnt now. Theres one thing by not smoking and knowing ull get one in a little while but not smoking knowing ull never have one again sucks. I can do it. I will do it. Once again Im alone. Im going to go pass out to star wars. I was going to see a movie but decided not to. Im to lazy. I want a cigarreteeerer sdfgfsgf.
:( I dont feel important anymore.
(day one)
current mood: depressed
current music: none
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Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
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12:04 pm - time is running out
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Break is half over. Its been interesting. Ive been more fucked up in one week than the ammount of 2 months. Its been fun. Its been depressing also. New Years is in a few days...and I can only hope that goes smoothly. It just doesnt seems to be coming together. One is going one way while the others are going the other way. While Im stuck in between. Not knowing which direction to go. If I could ask for one thing it would be were all together. Atleast by the night ends. It would be nice. Im changing a lot. I dont know if its a good thing or bad. I hate having to change who I am but its the way it is. I dont like having little immature habbits even though they make me laugh. And I need to stop being so god damn depressed. Ive been depressed for no reason. I dont have any reason Im just depressed. How do I explain that to someone? Anyways, more importantly, Maddie bought her first pair of jeans EVER. And might I say she looks pretty damn good in them. I never wear jeans, just because I wasnt comfortable in them. But now, now I am a whole new person. These pants will bring be good luck. I love them. Its what Ive been missing. Im ready to go out and buy more. Ive also lost some weight. Not that I needed to but i did. I havent been able to eat lately. Its been weird. OH Yeah. I got in a car accident with matt. We got rear ended pretty bad. I have major back pains. Brittany Schroader was also with us. It was a shocker. But everyone is ok. Matts car will be alright, now the other car is another story. I havent talked to anyone today except my brother. I would call someone but I dont want people to feel obligated to talk to me. Oh well. I need to find something to occupy my time.I have 3 days left of smoking, counting today. God help me. Please. time is running out. :(
current mood: sore
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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
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9:30 am - christmas is for losers
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I got an Ipod like I expected. Stephanie, mitchell, and alex got one too. Last night we went Ipoding. lol. Things are weird right now. My relationships with a few people seem to be fading away. And for once its not my fault. It bothered me at first and it still does I guess, but Im learning to just let it go. If thats how its going to be than that their choice. It just sucks. Me and Matt have been getting really close. I should focus on that and not dwell on the others. Matt wants to hang out with me and we have fun together. Hes a nice guy. Im supposed to go shopping today with mitchell, matt might go. I really dont know who Im going shopping with I just know that I am. Im very calm right now for once.Im going to change again. Im not going to let a thing bother me. And if it does I just wont bring it up. I wont let it build up. I need to just blow things off like its nothing. I cant seem to do that very well.. I care to much. Atleast I think. I dont know how to handle situations. I was thinking last night. I use to be so..wise...I guess you could say. I use to be able to give good advice and help people. I cant do it anymore. Maybe Im burnt out. Or maybe Im all screwed up. I really dont know. I use to be able to help people. I realized, I thought I was helping people but maybe I just made it worse. Which is fine. I still think I helped but no one will be able to see that. Its alright. Theres people who need me. I hope I havent said to much. I sometimes write in here and then close out of it. In a couple hours I might not even feel this way anymore. I get weird moods. I just dont feel very important to some people anymore, BUT ITS OK. I can deal with it. Im going to change myself from now on. Ive changed so much since the beginning of last summer though. You probably cant see the way Ive changed. And Im not sure if its a good things. Now im always depressed, I dont joke around as much as i use to. who knows..I need a change thats all, I cant be depressed like his all the time. I need to do things for myself not for others. I know what I need to do but I dont know how to do it. Who knows how this will turn out. Ill probably delete this entry too..
current mood: tired
current music: Alanis Morissette
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